What Is Deep Listening?

There are many forms of listening. Deep listening is the process of listening to learn what the other person is trying to express. It requires paying close attention to not only what the person is saying but also to nonverbal clues such as body language and tone. Deep listening is listening without judgment. It involves mirroring back what the person has said as an affirmation that you understand what they are trying to communicate. It is listening without trying to resolve or fix what the other person is communicating. This type of listening and affirming what the other is saying builds trust and shows the other we value what they have to say and respect them as a human being.

Developing a pattern of deep listening with your child requires you to be fully present. It demonstrates to your child they are worthy of your time and attention. This type of listening is a skill requiring practice. If you begin a pattern of deep listening in the early years, your child will trust your relationship to come to you with all their issues and struggles. As a parent, the last thing you ever want to say is “I had no idea they felt this way.”

I recognize most of us are living busy schedules that can be exhausting. As parents, we often listen to our children while we are doing something else. When our children come to us with something that is upsetting or they are struggling with, our instinct is to either minimize it or try to fix what they are upset about. Deep listening does neither.

If you are busy and your child approaches you in conversation, it is perfectly fine to say, “I am busy right now preparing dinner, but what you have to say is important to me. I promise I will sit with you after I am done and give you my full attention.”

If your child challenges you and says, “No it can’t wait,” then consider delaying dinner the few extra minutes it might take to truly listen to what your child needs to say. More than likely it could have waited, but by stopping something under your control, you show respect for them and their feelings. If your boss approached you and said stop what you are doing and come with me, you wouldn’t hesitate. By delaying dinner for a few minutes, you are building trust and connection that will last a lifetime.

It is my hope through writing a poem about what it feels like to be truly heard, each of you will uncover emotions you may not have known you felt. The additional activities in my book involving language and nonverbal communication will train your child’s listening skills and intuition to help keep themselves safe out in the world.

“Being heard is so close to being loved

that for the average person

they are almost indistinguishable.”

David Augsburger

 Blog 2

Listening and Language Begins in the Womb

 The most significant sound your baby hears in the womb is their mother’s voice. Before your child was even born, she was listening to your words through the sound of your voice. Research has shown that fetuses in the third trimester know their own mother’s voice because an increase in heart rate and non-nutritive sucking has been documented. It has also been observed that parents adjust their speech patterns when talking to their infants by exaggerating sounds and pitch. Parents also adjust their facial expressions, when talking to their infant, by opening their mouth wider and raising their eyebrows.       

          Altering one’s regular speech pattern to gain the infant’s attention is called infant-directed speech, “motherese”, “parentese” or more commonly “baby talk.” Studies have shown that baby talk is preferred by infants and therefore is more effective in getting their attention.  It had been determined that baby talk is an important part of the emotional bonding process between parents and their children that helps infants learn language. Researchers are also raising the question of whether baby talk promotes brain development, influencing emotional expression and behavior later in life.

         It is through your words and the way in which you speak them, that you will begin the lifelong dance of interaction and relationship with your child.  Most child developmentalists agree, that the amount and type of language an infant hears has an impact on her development. Language stimulation is one of the best predictors of later vocabulary, reading and mathematical skills.

         Some ways to enrich your young child’s development through language is through songs, nursery rhymes, and reading aloud. As they begin to converse, it is important to engage children in open-ended conversations. All these activities will help build attachment between you and your child.

         As a new parent, choosing your words with your child is easy because she can’t talk back, question or disagree. You have all the power and control in the conversation. Enjoy it while it lasts. Because once your child becomes a preschooler, she will start asking “Why” questions. Chances are you may have to answer 20 of them before you have even finished your first morning coffee.

         As your child grows, your words will be the tools you will rely on to build the type of relationship you want to create with your child. You will use them to praise, re-direct behavior, educate, and love.

         Psychologist Edward Thorndike, famous for his work on operant conditioning, wrote, “Colors fade, temples crumble, empires fall but wise words endure.”

What wise words do you want to endure for your children?